dear internet,
i have a bit of a stalker-ex problem. only there's no man in black standing outside my window at night or anything, we're talking mindspace.
quick background: we dated for about a year, during which time we got too serious too quickly before i found out how totally, totally clingy beyond belief he was. i'm actually a nice person, and he is too, only the dude managed to drive me absolutely around the bend with his constant stream of SMS's, emails, (yes i also worked with him) and basically constantly checking up on me. when i was away on a 5-day trip i received a 1000-word email every day asking if i was alright. i could go on. but i'll just trust for now that you guys believe me.
anyhoo. we broke up in may after he kept on ignoring my pleas for a few hours a day where i did not have to hear from him or answer his questions as to what i was doing and whether i was alright. and after a few months i moved away (not bc of him though).
here's the thing: he's still doing it. not so often as before, as i've changed cell phones and haven't given him the number (despite repeated demands that i do), but he keeps emailing and facebooking me. i literally send 1 civil reply to 4 of his emails, because i don't want to be horrible.
but where a normal person with no space issues will just move on when i don't reply to his last (non urgent) email, he sends one, two, three followups, regularly.
i am going through some really serious family stuff, and want to be left alone. what can i do to get some peace of mind without being a mean ol' hog?
and i'm 30 and he's 28. so this is not only childish and annoying, it's also starting to get disturbing.
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oh and bear in mind that replying to his emails, even if in a stern tone, only seems to encourage him.
I was in a similar situation with a clingy ex a couple of years ago - not nearly as bad though! And, thank God, it was in the days before facebook (remember those?). Seriously, the only solution I can recommend is to just break off contact completely. It may feel horrible but in the long run it's probably better for him, too - there is no way he will ever move on if he's still waiting with bated for breath for your next barely-civil email. (Maybe send him one last mail explaining that you will no longer be answering his messages, if you feel like being polite about it.)
thanks very much, i think you're right. i'll prolly skip the adieu email, because i predict with confidence that it will unleash a shitstorm. so yeah, blocking all channels as of.. now.
I voted for a complete break as well - and definitely agree with CakeOrDeath's comments above that though it may be hard initially, it will be better in the long run. To make a very bad analogy, people can live with tumors a very long time, but generally live longer and have a better quality of life if they opt for surgery and get the tumor cut out.
ooh! i had a tumor and the surgery gave me an additional complaint! i live up to an analogy without prior intent! sweet!!
anyway, i got distracted. sorry. i said other, but largely because i think you should sever contact... and was going to mention the "adieu email" because you seem very concerned about coming across as a terrible person. the only reason to be concerned about that is if you think the guy is legitimately dangerous, or has access to dangerous people that should he feel severely slighted that he could incite bigger trouble than anticipated. if you think hes a peaceful sort who may be broken hearted but move on (after bad-mouthing you to some people you will never see again anyway, having moved away), then just cut him off. just really think about his personality and where it could go first before doing it with no (polite but stern) contact.
yeah. you are all quite right. he's not dangerous, he's just amazingly like a child, in that he will hang on and hang on and hang on to people in desperation even though they've told them to go away in all possible ways. it's incredibly thoughtless and selfish, especially given the fact that he knows about my family situation and that i just need peace of mind.
in the past, when i told him to back the hell off, i felt bad about it afterwards, not because he didn't deserve it. i just didn't think i should have stooped so low. he brings out the worst in me.
(re-checks blocks on facebook and linkedin..)
A friend of mine had the same problem with a very close friend (no romatic relationship involved, but the same in all important respects), and she managed to break it off without moving away. What she did was write her friend a letter, explaining why she never wanted to meet again, basically breaking off the realtionship as you would a romantic one. She also added that she didn't want to talk about it at all, but that if her former friend wanted to talk, she could do this through a mediator (another close friend of my friend's). Everyone involved was heartbroken for a while, but is actually turned out okay after all.
I guess all I'm saying is hang in there! It gets easier as time passes, believe me. Good luck!
thanks. you guys all make a lot of sense.
just one thing: it looks like you can't "block" emails on gmail so that they bounce off your inbox. i can make them go into the trash basket, but dammit, i sometimes check even that one.
Men earn leeway with sympathy. Don't give them an inch!
piggy: See if this is of any help: http://www.mydigitallife.info/2007/11/21/how-to-blacklist-or-block-email-addresses-or-senders-or-domain-in-gmail/
Also, I had a similar problem with an unknown email stalker a while back, and I eventually completely lost it (meltdown of freaked-out-by-stalker), at Uni, and talked to the authorities, who were very helpful. Depending on his mail provider, contact them and tell them he is harassing you and they will block his emails. But in the end, I did just completely stop using that email, it was the only way out.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!