dear internet,
I am in a relationship with a great girl. We are very compatible and love one another. My question is this, I want my own kids, she would want to adopt or not have any at all, is this a "deal breaker" as they say, or not? Should I end the relationship before it is too late? Or stay and hope she will change her mind?
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I voted a definite "Go". I've been in this situation as the one who doesn't want kids: I know I'm not going to change my mind, and if someone were to chance their future happiness on the thought that I might, well, I don't want to end up being resented for a silly assumption on their part.
Or to put it this way: how sure are you want genetic descendants? Assume she is at least as equally serious as to what she wants.
i said stay for blank amount... because it determines on how flexible BOTH of you are? you dont really say how adamant she is, or how adamant you are. it is something that you can discuss.
my husband thinks he wants kids. he knows i really really dont. he "was hoping i would change my mind." i didnt and i wont, because im an evil sort and hate kids. he has had to learn to live with that, because he knew it from the get-go. he was more flexible on it than i anyway, so he is okay with it. if both of you are adamant, though, then split, because it will not be a happy ending...
You cannot expect to change her mind. It might happen, but it is not something you can make happen, and that expectation cannot be part of your decision.
So do you care enough to love her as she is?
Also, I wouldn't discount adoption. You can have the parenting adventure together without actually procreating, and the kids would still be your own. You don't pass on your genes, but there's a lot more to you than the squiggly bits in your nuclei, that's all I'm saying.
If you love her enough, either learn to love adoption or get used to the idea of not having kids. If having your "own" kids biologically is that important to you, find someone else. As the daughter of a man who apparently never wanted kids in the first place, I can tell you the results of "hope he/she will change their mind" can be bad. Talk it over with her and search your soul on this one.
There may be a reason that she doesn't want to pass on her dna. This would be something to find out. (Assuming, of course, that it isn't your DNA she's trying to phase out.)
Don't assume she'll change her mind. If you know you won't change yours, go.