dear internet,
here is the wierd situation: i live in a developing non-western country, and have started casually dating someone local. someone so local that he had never had a cappucino or pizza before meeting me. the guy seems smart, never went to college, is super-polite to me and roughly my age and drives hire cars for a living. we have absolutely nothing in common other than that we have a nice vibe together. i don't know him at all well as we have no friends in common.
i am of course a bourgeois little madam with a good education.
my friends - local and foreign alike - wonder what i'm doing and ask me to think twice. but i just like spending time with him. it's not even a sex thing, we haven't so much as held hands yet.
but tonight, a day after our second date, i send him a 'how are you?' SMS and he replies, "fine!! i really miss you!! do you miss me too???" to which i reply "ha! maybe!" . then i go have dinner with a pal. 2 hours later i find 4 sms's from him saying sweet but annoyingly clingy things like "dream of me tonight"!!!. he is 32.
so call me a biatch, but i like being single, we haven't so much as kissed yet, have had 2 casual dates and i am still wondering at the back of mind whether he's a closet psycho. what should i do, dearest internet?
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from a security point of view, be careful.
i don't know how to say this without sounding prejudiced, but i think the culture difference may be important here. of course, each individual is different, but some degree of generalization could be correct. i'll tell my own experiences here...
i love learning about life in other places. some times, when i have time and i'm in the right kind of mood, i'd search for strangers from some country i want to learn about on yahoo member's directory, for example, or icq, and chat with them. i had many great conversations doing this, like with a 50y/o housewife from old communist germany, russian young student, israeli soldier, and so on.
but, much as i tried, i never get to do this with people from some places. you didn't say where you are living, and i won't say which countries are these. but i tried many many times to talk to different people from these coutries and the whole thing freak me out so much that i can't keep the conversation long enough to learn something about their real lives. first, i never seem to find a girl or woman from there online. and then, talking to guys, they either assume i'm a western whore wanting to cybersex because i started a conversation with a man online, or after some really small number of sentences, they assume we are going to create a relationship and visit each other's countries to marry. i'm not kidding. it's like "hi, where are you from, what's your age, are you married, do you have a fiance, do you have a pic, you are pretty, my dear, sweetheart, love of my life".
i'm talking about many many times i tried, during a period of years. it always go one way or the other.
maybe what i'm trying to say is, in some cultures, a man and a woman just can't friends, so the idea of a relationship between a woman and a man involves romantic feelings, which leads to commitment, no matter the level of physical intimacy existent. or non-existent. some people just don't do casual.
so maybe you can go on with it, but make sure you two have a conversation to make clear what is going on, because most likely he's going to get hurt.
I'm with all JonnyA said, and... Maybe he's just trying to be romantic? Many guys mess up this little 'ole trick, and come off seeming clingy/stalkerish. I myself have messed up potential relationships in the past before I realised it's not quite like it is in the ole movies... Give him a chance, but make sure he's got the four on one.
Ugh, I've had that problem. Or rather, I've had friendly and pleasant conversations with men in other cultures only to either be asked out, or (after I had mistakenly given one my phone number) pestered over and over again. It's annoying. Sometimes I enjoy the feeling of being much more desireable as soon as I enter a different culture (which seems to ALWAYS happen) but sometimes I just want to blend in a little. Ah well. Good luck anyway! I'd say be very careful though.
Along the lines of what solitaryascidian said, I have often noticed a difference in relationship norms among other cultures. It brings to mind a time in college when I met a foreign man who struck up a conversation on a common-area bench with me. We talked of light and silly things... the weather, the football team. A pleasant conversation, but nothing remarkable. As I went to leave the bench his tone shifted and sounds similar to what you describe. He started professing his love for me and saying how we should make a life together. It was more than awkward, it was borderline threatening.
You know what feels wrong. Trust your gut.
I go with solitaryascidian, catilina and taragl. I've travelled a lot in developing countries and seen the same scenario repeated over and over again. If he is as inexperienced in what you see as social norms as you think he is, in which case the whole going out, on dates, with a foreigner, can be quite heady; and maybe in his social circle this is practically akin to an understanding, and possibly they don't really do the 'friend' thing between males and females in his social circle. He isn't a closet psycho, just from a different culture. But be very careful. If you want your peace back, I'd say choke him off. Harsh but true. As taragl so wisely put it, trust your gut.
okay you guys. just came back from date #3.
he's not as inexperienced as i thought. in fact, we had a really really really great third date. it's going to be ok. in fact, he's great.
thanks for your advice. cynicism: 0; good vibes: 1.