re: friends and lovers by anonymous questioner

November 16, 2006 08:16 AM

voting has closed for this question

dear internet,
do you think that an ex (who hurt you) but you really like as a person is a friend? i recently read that an ex who hurt you is not your friend (at least, not right now) but mainly someone who has the power to still screw your up emotionally. which is true of this guy -- almost every time i talk to him he says something to really upset me and i think it's not helping me move on. and the odd thing is that the more i think about the situation, the less i think i like him as a person. after all, who wants friends who make you feel bad??

results 44 votes

cut him off for now -- you're not truly friends at the moment, despite wishful thinking. recover and you might become friends one day (40 votes)
 91%
hang in there -- just take it as it comes but risk getting upset (4 votes)
 9%
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comments

  • FluffyBullet says:

    Oh, if he still has that power over you and you leave every conversation feeling bad about yourself he isn't a friend. Believe me, I've been in a similar sittuation and it reallr drained me so...

    Just you asking the question if you really want him as a friend is probably the answer, you should at least get over him and move on before you try to be friends... At least, that's the only advice I can give.

    Nov 16, 2006 09:32 AM
  • appleblossombeck says:

    I've ended up friends with almost every boyfriend I had, even the ones who hurt me, and those friendships were definitely preceded by a period of distance and healing.

    Nov 16, 2006 12:06 PM
  • littlewolf says:

    Life has taught me that no matter how badly a person treats you, sometimes they can change, almost always they realise it was wrong, but it can often take a good couple of decades, maybe more. Sometimes a couple of months. Sometimes you can shove the evidence in the person's face, and they will not acknowledge it, or they may today, and not tommorrow. But often (for some unknown, possibly masochistic reason) there is this pull back (I tell myself firmly that it is the same craziness which makes people stay with abusers). I will confess though, that despite firm talk, I am screwed up enough to maintain contact with these people. And in the first case, the person ended up being, not just a friend, nor a best friend, I have two of those, but, everything to me? (The question mark is surprise at the statement I have written/ acknowledged, and am frightened/ disturbed by its truth). I agree with FluffyBullet, if the chap in question has the power to turn the screws emotionally, get away, as fast as you can. And I agree with apleblossombeck, but with the first person I mentioned, there was defintely a long period of distance and healing, or, as I am often saying, getting past, because forgiving and forgetting is not always possible, but you learn to get past a situation, or memory/ies.

    Nov 16, 2006 05:54 PM
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