dear internet,
i've been trying to reform myself into the kind of person i want to be. i've been cutting out the alcohol, the cigarettes (ewww!), bad influences/guys and generally trying to be calmer and more mature. professionally, i also have a new set of challenges which, while very daunting, i guess are good to have to face. as i have for the past 4 years, i live far away from my parents (12 hours' flight).
my problem is this: i can't quite seem to get over the hump. every week or so, i'll trip and smoke cigarettes, talk to that stupid guy who hurt me and generally act in a way that i want to put behind me. the relapses are becoming quite regular now and i'm worried that i just won't be able to summon enough willpower to truly change.
and beyond that: i spend an usually large amount of time daydreaming about my childhood and really longing to be back there, back before all this college, job stuff, back when things were simpler and i could be with two people who are getting older and who i dearly miss now.
what should i do? i want to become a better person yet can't seem to quite get there, and i want the challenges of my job and life but am also yearning to just go home and spend quality time with my parents. can't seem to move forward and can't go back...
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Here's the thing. You can't change who you are. Sure you can change how you act and relate and work, but fundamentally, there is something individual about each person. I've noticed it with friends who I didn't see for years and then went back and saw. They were older, mature, different, but they were still THEM: same temperament, same person. Besides, you can't run away from your past, you have to accept that it is part of what made you you. Use it. Admit that you might not have been the person you want to be, and may still have those tendencies, and hell, there's nothing wrong with getting drunk once in a while. I get the feeling you're trying to be somebody else. Instead, be you, just be a better you. I hope that makes sense...
thanks. i totally understand what you mean and maybe i didn't express it clearly -- i don't want to change who i am fundamentally, bc i like who i am. i just want to be a better version of myself and bc i get lazy i don't carry it all the way.
In your case I'd actually lean towards don't think a lot, but rather do a lot. Do some of the childhood things you miss, keep yourself busy with projects that make you feel like this better person you want to be (or just litle accomplishments that make you feel better will do). Communicate regularly with your parents and seize any and all opportunities to spend quality time with them. And ya, thinking positive (like "you can do it" stickies on your bathroom mirror or various inspirational quotes) might help remind you to be strong.
Thinking too much (about the past) can make you go a little loopy and get your thoughts all tangled up in a bigass emotional cloud. Think about what is in front of you. What you want, what is truly important to you, realistic ways for you to love the skin you are currently in. Growing and evolving is important, but I don't think it happens over night. It's a process ;o) take baby steps and maybe tackle one thing at a time. And be patient. And believe in yourself. And take good care of yourself. I think change kind of happens on it's own, not on the schedule you'd like it to be on.
some wise words from catherine and catilina. Most important thing for me is: don't try and be perfect . Your allowed a few flaws. Hell, you need a few flaws, goddammit! I'm quite happy (for the moment) to drink and smoke as much as I do. That will most likely change in the future, but that works for me at the moment. (I'm not encouraging you at all to try and give up either of these things for yourself, of course - different strokes for different folks). But to be satisfied, I find the best thing to do is to be productive. And with things you LIKE. Very important. Don't try to change everything at once, or to become "perfect". I wasted a lot of time trying to do similar to what you may be doing now... I look back on the lists of goals I made now with a little glimmer of joy in my eye. And not at all because I achieved them. Definitely reading a lot is always good (depending a little on what's read, and how you read it...)
But, I would definitely say, as Orwell said: "keep on keepin' on".
Although you may not be exactly where you want to be, I think that you have a tremendous amount of insight. You know your patterns, your goals, and your weak spots. Many people are flummoxed when they are unhappy with their life trajectories, but you seem to have nailed what you want, as well as the discrepancy between how things are and how you'd like them to be ideally.
Like the others who have commented, I'd try being gentler with yourself when you slip up, and try questioning yourself next time, when you're on your way to buy smokes (why am I doing this? Is this about comfort? Would I feel better if I called my mom?).
Also, do you have a support network of people who care for you in your new environment? I don't think I'd be at they gym all the time if I wasn't friends with half the staff. Just put your lovely self out there. Initiate a round of (gasp - I know) beer with the next group of people whose company you enjoy. And that gem of your childhood is with you always. You don't literally have to go back home. Hang in there.
Be nice to yourself. Read some fiction. Have a hot cholocate, and on your way to the gym later, get some nicorette for when the urge next strikes. Good luck!
thanks. you guys are great. i'm mulling over what you're saying.
I can understand where you are coming from.
I'd like to be a better version of me. It isn't a straight forward course though. Every so often I do things that make me feel bad. Thing is, other people probably don't associate the same negative view as I do. As for coming to terms with imperfections: don't let them get you down. There are far too many people in the world who don't try. Trying is what it's all about.
Try again, fail again, fail better.